Dear Diary,
I love waking up with swollen lips that are plump as a result of good kissing. I love when they are juicy and soft. Lip gloss becomes my best friend. I have had a few bomb days this past week. I had a bomb dropped on me buy a guy I use to see and I found my cute Southern guy to be a bomb kisser. Which one should I start with? A few years ago I use to see someone amazing. He was handsome, strong, funny, smart, tall and an all around great guy. The kid would do anything for me. Unfortunately things between us were complicated. His mom needed help running the family business and he was the only one out of his brothers that could help her. Subsequently the only way we could have a future is if I moved across the country to a tiny town in New England. I entertained the idea for like a second. I flew out and gave it a look. However, within a day I knew that no matter how much I loved him I could never give up everything I have worked towards here in LA just to be someones wife. I am extremely ambitious when it comes to my career and I have immense creativity. I have known since I could walk what I wanted to do and unfortunately for our relationship I need to be in LA to accomplish it. So, as a result I chose to walk away from him and us.
Fast forward to the present. This past week we were talking. He is going though a break up so naturally he thinks coming out to LA for a weekend would help him clear his head. We were discussing it when out of nowhere he dropped this on me "I wish I would have gotten you preggers so you would have had to work things out between the two of us" Wow. First of all, I thought only girls thought like that. Second, what if I had? I would have a 2 1/2 year old kid right now!?! That is insane. I can't even imagine how different my world would be. Looking back though, I know I would never want for anything if I had married him. He would have done his very best to make me happy. But the thing is I don't think that is what it is all about. You need to make yourself happy. You need to find that special thing that you were put here to do. That only you can do. I had someone once say to me something to the effect of; "You should never chase anyone. You should just chase your dreams and let the person of your dreams find you." I like to believe that is the way it is. Can I have a wildly successful career and an amazing man who loves me? Will I ever find him here in Los Angeles? Does it have to be one or the other? Did I make a mistake? I believe that all the fun times and failed relationships have made me who I am. I believe there are no mistakes only lessons.
In the mean time I am content with my bomb ass kissing southern boy. Not the southern boy from before. Although he too was from Tennessee. This is a different one- the transient in my apartment building I spoke about before. Looks like he came around. Not sure where it's going to go with him. But I am sure of one thing. He is a hell of a kisser. I am going to keep on plugging and making my way in this crazy city filled with diminished values and hope that someone fantastic comes my way and that I like him as much as he likes me and that I don't get sick of him after a month. I have a problem with that. In the meantime....
Happy dating!
Hugs and Kisses,
V
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